The TWAIN blog

Today was one of those days when a thought actually became spoken words to myself. “What am I doing here?”

I had “one of those days”. The kind of day that I wish I could do over from start to finish.

I went to San Antonio this morning for Tech Fiesta in a rainstorm. It was a 2-day event that I only was able to attend for one day…um…90 minutes. It was a small version of TCEA complete with an exhibit hall and a bag. I went to learn more about technology tools. I did get to see one of my favorite people, Miguel Guhlin, share about Moodle. I like Moodle. I want a Moodle. I am now encouraged to Moodle, thanks to Miguel.

Then, I received an email to my iPhone about something at work that I don’t want to get into here. It was something disturbing enough to me to get in my car and drive all the way back to work to deal with. It was one of those things that made me stop at home for the moment in my kitchen to say to myself, “what am I doing here?”.

I wish I could say that I handled myself well today and everything turned out good. But it was a day that made me wish I was back in the classroom. I often escape in my mind to think about what I could do as a classroom teacher now with the knowledge I have gained. I know I was a great teacher. I managed to be project-based, differentiated instructionally, and award-winning during my five years in the classroom.

While teaching, I also caused the other teachers in my department to turn against me and to dislike me because of what I was doing in my classroom. I shunned textbooks and would not show the movies the other teachers did. I refused to follow their calendars and lesson plans. I made learning real by involving my students with real clients (they were learning web design – they had to work with clients) and by getting them involved with real scenarios.

I never disciplined by regular standards. I informed the parents that I felt that they should discipline their kids and give me room to teach them. I kept parents informed of everything we did by mail, by email, by webpage, and by phone call. My principal informed a parent that he felt I “over-communicated” when she called to say her son didn’t know about a test date.

I never taught the same thing the same way and encouraged my students to learn more than I knew. I admitted when I didn’t know an answer. I even encouraged my students to have fun while learning. I threw paper at them (is that wrong now?) when it would get too quiet in the room because they were working too hard. I was the teacher who received the most “troubled” students but I did not have trouble with them.

I loved teaching. I still do.

And when I have a rough day, I wonder “what am I doing here?”. Is this something other administrators do? Are there moments when you think about the time you were in a classrooms? Do you go to conferences, read articles or blogs and marvel at what you would do with the tools now if you were teaching?

I have to admit…even on good days, I think about these things.

I am only certified to teach Secondary English and I have never taught it. I was hired out of college to teach technology classes and I had no idea what I was doing. I think I only knew Hyperstudio when I started teaching in a PC-only district. I had a collection of “Dummies” books under my desk! I was afraid when kids would come to me to ask questions. And they were 7th graders!!

I never taught English but can you imagine what kind of English teacher I would be? Would I last? Would my students pass the TAKS test or an AP exam?!? I can’t imagine a department chair putting up with me…..much less the campus technology person! And God help whoever the network administrator would be having to deal with mild-mannered me.

But can you imagine what my students would learn?? Can you picture what my classroom would be like? I can. And that picture brings tears to my eyes after a day like today.

Anyone else ever feel like this?

PS: Miguel – thanks for the real comment in person today about my blog. I thank you for that. I am not self-editing this one.